Heal from Shame and Rebuild Your Identity
The therapy team at North Woods Christian Counseling is committed to delivering competent and sensitive care from a Christian perspective, meeting you where you’re at in your process of healing. Our therapists frequently work with those experiencing shame and use a variety of approaches to help clients heal from old hurts and build an identity based on the truth.
We understand that guilt is a universal emotion, designed to help us learn from our mistakes and seek out forgiveness. However, when this corrective emotion remains long term, it’s no longer productive. It’s one thing to believe “I did a bad thing” but I can learn from it and I’m forgiven.” It’s quite another to believe “I’m bad at my core.”
The Bible reminds us that we’re indeed sinners, but that’s not all we are. We are also created in God’s image, and through Christ are forgiven, redeemed, and deeply loved. When we can’t connect to these truths, we aren’t seeing the whole picture. Unfortunately, shame often develops in childhood. Through no fault of their own, many children come away from painful experiences feeling like they’re somehow defective. While it’s not a great feeling, it still feels better than the alternative reality… that the people in charge of caring for us aren’t always capable of meeting our needs. Lack of love, lack of affection, and lack of protection often result in shame for children. And because shame so often leads to perfectionism and a performance based identity, it works just well enough to become a deeply ingrained pattern. It can lead to earthly successes, for fear of failure can be a strong motivator.
When treating a shame-based identity, we remind people that they are not shame. Shame is simply something that is experienced in the nervous system, but it doesn’t define us. Each one of us precious…each one of us has value. Shame makes this reality difficult to feel, but thankfully feelings can lie. Just because something feels true, does not mean that it is true! This is a core principle of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). We often integrate the use of CBT when dealing with shame because it is a practical way to provide immediate emotional relief. It is based on the premise that it is not only our circumstances that cause shame, but the meaning we attach to those circumstances. Because we’re human, we often make assumptions, try to predict the future, think pessimistically, and get stuck in a variety of thinking patterns that don’t work. We embrace half-truths and even downright lies as though they were true, and these Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) simply fuel the shame. Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, which lead to more negative thoughts, etc. No wonder we feel shame! CBT helps us become detectives of our own minds, exposes the lies, and helps us find relief from the distorted thinking that so often takes our pain and turns it into suffering.
Along with CBT, we also offer EMDR therapy to treat shame. “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an integrative therapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches. To date, EMDR has helped an estimated two million people of all ages relieve many types of psychological stress” (emdria.org). For some, CBT or other forms of talk therapy are enough. However, for many others, they still fail to connect the truth from the head to the heart. It’s a wonderful thing to have the tools to identify the lies and remind ourselves of the truth. It’s even better to believe the truth at our core. Talk therapy can be like a farmer snipping off the tops of weeds in a field, but for some ,the weeds continue to grow back. EMDR is like pulling the weeds out by the roots. While talk therapy can be like emotional Tylenol, EMDR is like emotional surgery. Both have their place and can work together quite nicely. Please click on EMDR to find out more.
While we cannot prescribe medication, we work closely with psychiatrists and other physicians to provide good care to our clients. While not everyone needs medication to combat their shame and depression, for some it is an important part of the healing process. Ultimately, the decision to use a psychotropic medication is a personal decision one makes with their doctor. However, when we think it will help, we will support clients in exploring the possibility. If medication is needed, we remind people that this is not a sign of weakness. If after eating right, losing weight, and following the doctor’s orders a person still has high cholesterol, most would not hesitate to take a pill if it meant preventing heart disease. Why do we so often hold depression to a different standard? The brain is an organ, and at times needs to be treated with medicine. Many studies suggest that medication along with therapy provides the best opportunity for success. For some it is also helpful to participate in family therapy, as often our deepest pain involves struggling relationships.
Whatever one chooses about medication, we remind them that depression is not a personal failing. A shame-based identity can happen to anybody, and if you are experiencing it that doesn’t mean you’re weak. On the contrary, those who actually have the courage to face what’s happening and reach out for help are showing incredible courage and strength! In overcoming depression some find strength through their faith in God, and we offer Christian Counseling for those who desire it. Wherever you are on your journey of healing, we will do our best to walk by your side, holding hope for you even if you aren’t able to see it. Healing does happen, and we would be honored to support you along the way.
If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please call us at 651-243-2484 or click on the button below. We will do our best to contact you within 1 business day.
